Stop Letting Anger Control You by Gary Steffes

May 15th, 2025
by Gary Steffes

We all experience anger. But have you ever paused to ask yourself why you’re angry?

More often than not, anger doesn’t just show up out of nowhere. It usually stems from one of two sources:

1. A Goal is Being Blocked.

You had plans. You had expectations. And then something—or someone—got in the way. You’re trying to get to practice, but traffic is backed up. You’re working hard, but you’re overlooked. The frustration builds because what you were aiming for is now obstructed.

2. You Believe Someone Owes You Something.

A wrong was done. It might be big or small, recent or from years ago. But in your heart, someone owes you—an apology, your reputation, an opportunity, your childhood, your peace of mind. Over time, these perceived debts can accumulate like a long, unpaid invoice. If that debt isn’t repaid, anger simmers under the surface.

Ecclesiastes 7:9 gives us a powerful warning:
“Be not quick in your spirit to become angry, for anger lodges in the heart of fools.”

When anger is allowed to lodge—to remain, to take up residence—it begins to shape how we think, feel, and live. Anger distorts your thoughts, damages your motivations, and undermines your confidence. It doesn’t just stay in one corner of your heart—it spreads.

So how do we overcome anger? Forgiveness.

Forgiveness is often misunderstood. It does not mean you’re saying what happened was okay. It doesn’t minimize the pain. And it certainly doesn’t give someone permission to hurt you again.

Forgiveness is a choice to release the debt. It says, “You no longer owe me.”

Jesus modeled this perfectly. As He hung on the cross, suffering unjustly, He prayed:
“Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.” (Luke 23:34)

He wasn’t minimizing the severity of sin—far from it. Our sin was so serious that it required His death. But Jesus still chose to release the debt. He looked at our offense and, through His sacrifice, said, “You don’t owe me anymore.”

In another moment of mercy, Jesus said to the woman caught in sin:
“Neither do I condemn you. Go, and from now on, sin no more.” (John 8:11)

That’s what forgiveness looks like—not denial of the pain, but release from its grip. But how do we actually get there? What does it look like to walk that out in real life?

Here’s a practical way to begin that journey of forgiveness—one intentional step at a time.

1. Make A List

Grab a journal or notebook and write down each name and specific debt you feel they owe you. Do they owe you:

• An apology?

• Your reputation back?

• A future or opportunity they stole?

• Emotional support they never gave?

Be honest. At the bottom of your list, include “myself” if you have areas where you need to forgive yourself. Also, write “God” if you’re carrying disappointment or anger toward Him. While God doesn’t need your forgiveness, you do need to release any resentment or unresolved hurt you’ve held toward Him.

2. Let the Pain Surface

Don’t rush the process. Allow yourself to feel the emotions honestly. Recognize the impact of the offense.

3. Choose to Forgive

Don’t wait to feel like forgiving—it’s a decision of the will. Say aloud:

“I choose to forgive [name] for [what they did or what they owe me], even though it made me feel [insert emotions]. I release their debt.”

4. Repeat for Each Person

Go down the list, choosing forgiveness for each individual or situation.

5. Pray a Closing Prayer

Once you’ve gone through every name, pray the following:

Dear Heavenly Father, Thank You for setting me free from resentment and bitterness.
I choose today to forgive all these people and let go of my right to seek revenge. I ask You to heal my damaged emotions and renew my mind with Your truth. I place each person into Your hands. Lastly, I ask You to please bless each person who hurt me. In Jesus’ name, Amen

As you walk through this process, trust that God sees your heart, honors your obedience, and will begin a healing work in you.

Forgiveness is rarely easy, but it is always freeing. It requires courage to face the pain, humility to release the debt, and faith to trust that God is working—even when it still hurts. But every time you choose to forgive, you’re stepping into the freedom Jesus died to give you. You’re not excusing what was done; you’re refusing to let it control you any longer.

Let go of the anger. Let go of the debts.

Choose forgiveness—and walk in peace.

Gary Steffes is the Executive Director at Pure Encouragement. Following a seven year professional hockey career, Gary has served on staff in multiple ministries since 2012, including the Fellowship of Christian Athletes, Stonebriar Community Church, and Influencers Bakersfield. Gary has authored multiple books, hosts the Pure Encouragement Podcast, and is on mission to strengthen and encourage Competitors for Christ.